How the Fuck?

Train of thought… “laying next to you and not touching you. Not knowing if we really will be okay. Feeling like I’m lying when I tell the kids that I’m going to write out the fucking grocery list”

The new current state of living: a bipolar emotional shit show with a man that keeps running to his damn mother’s house anytime shit goes south. This is all a lot to deal with internally while trying not to lose your shit in front of three children under the age of ten. 7,5, and 4 to be exact. And when mommy is losing her shit, they truly can feel it. They get all amped up and start fighting with one another. Maybe in a way to distract mommy from what is currently going on. Someone determined once that I said the word I too much…

to keep the harmony in the household, we just didn’t speak to one another. I cleaned like I’ve never cleaned before! I’m talking cps showing up any fucking second fresh! And. He put together the new beds we got for the girls. (I bought one, and he bought one) All the while… we just didn’t talk. And if we did it just wasn’t what we say to one another in our most salutary. There have our ups and downs and ups and downs … but, I am genuinely concerned that this time it has all gone too remote.

When my feelings get hurt a certain way, my human instinct is to fucking shut down and block that pain off. I am worried that this time has launched me too far away. Too much towards shunning the man I was in love with three fucking weeks ago.. this time was so fucking offbeat, and it is causing this rift among … fucking everything… we shall see? I just don’t know what the fuck happens next. I’m no good at simulating happiness.

Meanwhile, Thank you to the good Lord above that we have one another and the roof over our heads. That we have a home, our haven and whether or not we are speaking… we are sleeping within elbowing range of each other, and for that Lord, I am so very obliged. We are exceedingly blessed with what is in front of us, and I beg you to get the negativity out of our house. To give me the enthusiasm to be what this man desires me to be, the mother these kids need to me to be, the sister, the daughter that I am envisioned to be. In the name of the Father, I pray. Amen.

The nights alone just traversing around the house staring into infinity. Patrolling the window and policing the clock just hoping this asshole will bestow me with his presence. This is a matter of days, and it has felt like many moons. And he just doesn’t show. Not until I’ve had enough time to convince myself that he’s pounding every bitch in town and only then does he show up with his arms out by his side acting like I’m the one whos demented. I have never gone. Or omitted data to sway trustworthiness. I don’t give up on him quite the same.

I have an anger management issue that everyone knows about but, this man is the only person that reaches into the depths of my darkest moments and uses hurtful revelations against me in a way that makes you say ill catch a fucking assault charge today! (totally kidding.., no record.. knock on wood) But his bottom line is if I hit him, he’s gone. So then why does he say the things he does? Angering me .. practically urging me to end the relationship so that he doesn’t have to.

Well, then he did. In front of two cops, his mom and thankfully, the kids didn’t depose all of this episode. Good God. I feel like I’m painting some bumpkin white trash country music song version of life. Yo! this is not our fucking atmosphere!!! I would never be striving for this if it was… would I?

Is this man what I thought he was or what I assumed he would be. Is that why we fight? My expectations and what he really denotes are two different personas. Who the fuck is that man in that hay, and what do we have devised for one another?!?! I am a bad bitch and quite exhausted of being told how much I engulf everything in life except motherhood. Like I call bullshit.. you think I’m stingy beyond control but the best mommy ever?

Hold on. Preheating the oven for late night pizza rolls I have these beautiful babies. My two wonderful kitties. Ones nearly a child and the other is his cat. bahahaha! Turned out to be a polydactyl cat discovered in our front yard from the same momma kitty … I am just now obtaining that I haven’t seen her in some weeks.. ruh roh.. I sure hope that foulness around the garage doesn’t have anything to do with her…

And, then there are my exceptional plant babies! These things produce an essential peace like never before! They are tedious but incredibly meriting if you want to substitute an old addiction or to fill up your bohemian gypsy back-before- it- was-a -thing dwelling. yaassssss!!! Pizza rolls! They are waiting! Let us pray that there are fun anecdotes to tell again.. maybe even shortly.. but, for now, heartbroken and trying to be an extraordinary fucking Mother.. fingers crossed! That moment when you go lay down next to someone you want to keep so fucking bad but, just seems like you can’t.

best wishes

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